Tolerance

There are many examples of discrimination occurring at any given moment in time. It is our responsibility to fight against these prejudiced attitudes so that, one day, we can all live without fear. But we have to be aware of how we are doing so.

My showing of respect is not based on whether or not I receive it. I do not live in such a greedy world where i am only willing to offer what I am getting. I believe that we have no right to ask for or demand what we are not already giving ourselves. I believe in Karma, that what you put out will come back to you.

"Ever mind the rule of three, what you send out comes back to thee."

I fight for freedom. It does not matter what your skin color, nationality, gender, sexual identity, or religious beliefs are. I fight by promoting awareness, sharing information, and encouraging tolerance. I do not do so by trying to prove how horrible, evil, wrong, or backwards the groups containing would be oppressors are because that is only adding more hatred to the mix.

-I will not assume that all Christians are judgmental, pious, and fanatical because some of them are genuinely caring people.

-I will not assume that all Muslims are terrorists who want to silence the world because some of them are innocent to the mindsets of others.

-I will not assume all homophobes are inherently bad people because some of them are just uneducated.

-I will not assume all parents who support circumcision are perverted child abuser because some of them are misinformed or unaware that they even have an option.

-I will not assume that all mothers who formula feed are lazy and selfish because some of them are only resorting to what will feed their child when breastfeeding fails. (I personally formula fed after my son was seven months old and my milk dried up no matter what I tried)

-I will not assume that all people who eat meat do not care about and respect other living creatures or the planet because some of them don't know how damaging and devastating it really is.

-I will not assume that all people who question me are looking for a fight because some of them are genuinely curious. (I admit, I'm still working on this one a little :-P)

I will absolutely formulate my own opinions on a subject after doing my own research of both sides of the argument. I will share anything that I find interesting. I will defend those under attack-no matter who they are. I will defend my views without backing down to anyone. I will never be silent to avoid offending someone. I will not fight back so hard, so viciously that I then become the attacker. You will never help any cause if you are spreading more fear and anger instead of love and acceptance. It's all about balance.

Be strong. Be firm. Be adventurous. Be empathy. Be love.

Circumcision

Circumcision seems to be one of the hottest debate topics among parents lately. One side is fighting for the rights of parents to decide what happens to their children while the other side is fighting for the rights of infants who cannot speak for themselves.

If you can put aside your preconceived notions for a few moments and just look at the facts surrounding this issue there can be no question. Circumcision is wrong. It is an unnecessary, potentially harmful, unquestionably painful, preventative procedure performed on newborns to help with problems that are quite likely to never happen. I’m all about treatment for problems that exist, but it makes far more sense to treat a problem if it arises and not “treat” a perfectly healthy body as a “just in case”. There are many reasons given for why you should circumcise but those reasons are all fairly easy to dismiss with a healthy dose of common sense.

Religion:

Should parents mutilate their child for a religious rite? No. The circumcision procedure that is performed now is not what was originally done as a religious rite, and no matter what the parents religion is it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s their religion being imposed on his body.

Aesthetics:

Should parents mutilate their child so that their sex organ is more visually appealing? No. Honestly that entire concept is incredibly disturbing as well as being something to promote more superficiality. Why teach children that their bodies are imperfect, in any way, the way that they are born?

Social/Cultural:

Should parents mutilate their child so that they fit in better? No. Instilling good self-confidence in them will be far more effective and this too is something that promotes more superficiality and parental laziness.

Health:

Should a parent mutilate their child just to make sure that there are no problems with that part later on? No. Amputation is not prevention which is why we do not have our teeth removed to prevent cavities or our toes cut off to prevent athlete’s foot.

Hygiene:

Should a parent mutilate their child so that they have better hygiene? No. A scalpel is no substitute for a bar of soap and good hygiene is perfectly possible without involving surgery. This reasoning promotes the idea that boys are incapable of learning to wash themselves properly.

I had some conflict with my son’s father about whether or not our son would be circumcised. He was completely for it while I was (obviously) against it. One of his biggest reasons to push for it was his concern for our son being picked on once he was in school. Now, after a year and a half of getting all the information (sometimes against his will :-P) he has switched standpoints entirely-the more you know the more you are against it. He now acknowledges that worrying about your kid being picked on if they’re intact is fairly ridiculous. For one, your kid is going to get picked on no matter what you do or don’t do. Other kids will find something, they always do. For two, where is this epidemic of boys in locker rooms all comparing their junk? That was one of the things that DH said, he wasn’t sure why he was so worried about him getting picked on because that’s just not something that’s a common topic of discussion. I mean, really, most other children who would be closed minded and cruel enough to think lesser of a boy who was intact are probably not secure enough in themselves to actually admit that they were looking at another boy’s penis.

But the number one reason I hear for circumcision to still happen is not fear of teasing it is hygiene. Come on folks, it just seems like the epitome of parental laziness to put your newborn through a surgical procedure with little to no painkillers just so that cleaning their winky is easier when they’re older. Time and again people have insisted to me that little boys just “aren’t capable of proper hygiene”. Yes they are!! Little boys are just as able to clean themselves as little girls are; the simple fact is that all kids are rather gross. We, as parents, have the responsibility to make sure we teach our children how to care for themselves and take the next step to make sure that they are actually doing it. It is our job. My five year old has a problem wiping properly, I don’t wish that she had been circumcised so that it would be easier to keep clean I simply make sure I help her clean herself until she is able to do it properly for herself. How incredibly selfish is it to make your son endure surgery with barely more than Tylenol followed by a recovery period involving an open wound being regularly soaked in feces and urine (sounds real hygienic) so that you don’t have to deal with some “extra” cleaning education in a few years? (extra in quotes here because I can’t call something “extra” truthfully when it’s nothing beyond what should normally be required).

Most of my life I thought circumcision was just what you did. It was at my mother’s encouragement that I decided to question this practice. I am eternally grateful to her for giving me the push to think. It is said so many time in circumcision debates, “the more you know, the more you are against it,” and with good reason. Asking myself what I should do, weighing the facts…there was no room for doubt. When you see your newborn son for the first time and you look into his eyes how could there be a thought in your mind of allowing him to be hurt? To have a perfect little being lying in your arms, completely reliant on you for protection, a little being that is completely innocent and unconditionally loving and trusting, that is the most amazing feeling you can ever experience. Our sons deserve to have their lives start out with love and amazement, not pain and fear.

"Finding Myself"

I hate to use such cliché terms such as “finding yourself” but sometimes I guess clichés became so for a reason because I just can’t seem to come up with a better phrase to describe what I want to say. So, I’m sorry it’s corny but it’s all I’ve got :-)

Finding yourself can be a wonderful and amazing journey. It can also be the most difficult thing you’ve ever attempted to accomplish. For me, finding myself has meant digging deep within my heart and soul and opening myself up to the higher levels of compassion and empathy that I found there. It has meant making the changes to ensure that my son was left whole at birth, to promote tolerance and awareness of all those that are “different”, to eliminate flesh from my diet, to try for baby-led weaning, to co-sleep, to hug-it-out rather than cry-it-out, to use cloth diapers, to make my own cleaning products and incorporate as many reusable things into my daily life as possible.

Many people do not understand that my aspiration for change is coming from a deeper longing to bring more love into the world. I think it all boils down to looking not just at what we are doing but why we are doing it. The choices and changes that I have made have all been with the underlying purpose of increasing compassion in my life and in the lives of those around me. Even if we have to fumble our way through to find what works for us, as long as we try to make the changes in our lives to be towards adding more love, empathy, and understanding to our lives, we’ll be doing alright.

 

Rock The Boat

Why are people so insistent that the only valid information is that which comes from scientific studies provided more often than not by companies or organizations that have money at stake? Other people who have had direct experience with any particular subject are far more reliable, honest, and real than any company will ever be. How many times do we have to watch the pattern unfold where we find out that what we were told was safe, even necessary, is then later deemed harmful? Sadly, only after too many people have been hurt, and those who tried to speak up have been ignored or ridiculed. It seems to be the norm for people to start to speak up that something is wrong and then be faced with a battle not only from the organization(s) that stand to lose but also from all the other people who don't want to acknowledge that they have been duped. I will never understand the last group. Those who stand to gain monetarily...I get that. I don't think it's right but, I understand. The people who seem hell-bent on keeping the wool over their eyes are baffling to me. Why? Why would you not want to find out everything you can even if it goes up against what was formerly believed? It used to be acceptable to own another human being. It used to be acceptable to discriminate against someone based on their skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation or gender. It used to be acceptable for a wife or children to be beaten. It used to be acceptable to smoke around our children in our houses and cars. It used to be acceptable to use lead paint. When people spoke up against any of those things you bet your ass there were people there to argue against the change. For some there were even all sorts of "scientific" studies done to show that previously accepted behaviors were still safe. It is still considered acceptable to circumcise our sons but, a lot of parents are starting to see the truth behind this mutilation (did you know there have been medical articles published about how circumcision reduced the occurrence of masturbation, then believed to cause all sorts of health problems?). It is still considered acceptable to vaccinate our children but, a lot of parents are starting to see the truth behind this toxicity. It is still considered acceptable to use disposable diapers but, a lot of parents are starting to see the truth not only behind the environmental damage but the potential chemical damages done to our babies as a result of the processing of disposables. Most of the reasons arguing using or participating in these thing boils down to laziness. Putting our faith in chemicals (that require minimal testing) gives more allowance to not take proper care of ourselves. You can avoid far more illnesses by eating healthy and exercising than you ever could with vaccines but it's far easier to get a shot and eat that hamburger while sitting on your ass staring at the TV. It's easier to "snip-snip" than to maintain and teach our sons proper hygiene and safe sex. It's easier to selfishly succumb to convenience than deal with a little extra cleaning. If anyone out their is content to stay in their little bubble of illusion and false security (ironically derived most often from fear mongering) that's on you but, do not expect me to sit and take it silently if you come to tell me that I have not educated myself because I don't see things like you do. I do not feel and will not feel that I am wrong for looking deeper into things or for trying to change things towards the better, even if it's only with me that the changes are made. Just because you might not want to hear the truth it does not mean that I am somehow morally obligated to shut up and get back to my proper place in line just so I don't make you uncomfortable. I will not be a sheep just to avoid rocking the boat! As far as I'm concerned we'd all be better off if we just flipped the damn boat over.

Cloth Diapers, part 3

I started with a blog post about why I chose cloth diapers and then another post entirely devoted to prefolds and covers. Here, I'm going to sum up a few different options.
Modern Cloth Diapers include options such as pockets, AIO (all in one), and hybrids.

Pocket diapers are made of two layers, with an opening either in the front, back, or both, for the insert to go in. The inner layer is usually a fleece or something similar that will feel nice and comfy against the baby's bum. The outer layer is PUL which is a waterproof/water resistant fabric. What you put in the pocket is up to you. Many companies will include a (usually microfiber) insert for you to use. You can also buy inserts made of bamboo, hemp, or other fabrics. Microfiber is absorbent, but shouldn't be placed directly on baby's skin because it can cause irritation. Bamboo and hemp blends can cost more, but are also more absorbent. These diapers come in all sorts of colors and patterns, and can range in price from $5 to $25 (about) depending on where you get them. Sometimes you can find them online and have them shipped from another country for very little money. I have personally stayed away from this as I have heard that you occasionally will have to pay an import tax before you actually will receive your diapers.
Since they come apart, they dry faster than other options, and you can double up on the inserts or even put an insert in the pocket and lay a folded prefold inside the diaper to help boost absorbency for heavy wetters or nighttime use. They can be a bit bulky. You can get pocket diapers in different sizes to fit your needs, or buy one size diapers that will fit your baby from very early to potty training.

AIO diapers are less bulky than pocket diapers, but also take longer to dry. These are a good bet if you use cloth diapers for daycare or for other caregivers. They are very simple to use, just like a disposable except you don't throw it away. There are no inserts or fancy folds to worry about like with pocket diapers or prefolds and covers. Like the pocket diaper, you can always lay an insert or prefold in the diaper before diapering your baby to help boost absorbency. These diapers have the same outer layer of PUL as the pocket diapers.

Unlike the prefolds and covers where you can change the prefold out and re-use the cover before washing, with these two options you will need a new entire diaper each and every time. Ten to twelve is the bare minimum that you will need to be able to do laundry once a day, every day for an older baby (a newborn will require more). I recommend more, and once you get started you'll be wanting to buy every cute diaper you see. Even though these are more expensive, if you choose the one size fits all diapers, you'll still be saving money vs. buying disposables with just one baby (unless, that is, you buy every diaper you see!) and the savings multiply if you use the diapers with future babies. These diapers eventually may need 'work' such as replacing aplix fasteners or elastic around the waist and thighs. You can buy these diapers new or used, I have had good luck with both.

When washing cloth diapers, I recommend finding a good laundry detergent that is free from chemicals, dyes, perfumes and enzymes. Wash according to the manufacturer's directions. If you experience staining, there are several things to try such as lemon juice and sunning your diapers. Do NOT bleach diapers. The bleach that lingers in the fabric, combined with the ammonia from your baby's urine can cause some pretty nasty chemical burns on your baby's bum, and it's not recommended by any diaper manufacturer that I've seen so far.

Soon, there will be a guest post from a Mama who uses G Diapers, and she'll tell you all about them. I can't wait to learn more about them, it's one of the ones I haven't done much research on yet.

My Little Rant

I think about it when people look at me strange or try to argue with me when they find out my standpoints on circumcision, vaccinations, homebirth, etc…. I get very frustrated when I hear the same tired arguments over and over and OVER again of normalcy, unquestioning trust in customary healthcare, and insistence that I am crazy, paranoid and could not possibly know what I am talking about on any of these subjects. This is my little rant in response.

I will not follow directions simply because they are given to me. I will not do what “everyone” else is doing simply because it’s “what you do”. I will not take someone else’s word for truth simply because it is offered as such.

I will ask questions. I will do my own research. I will make my own decisions based on facts, not social customs, aesthetics, or monetary gain. I will take the risk of pissing off everyone and anyone around me in my quest for knowledge but I will not take the risk of hurting my child to avoid conflict or to promote someone else’s self interest.

Break away from the heard of sheep and ask questions, be genuinely open to the answers. When we stop asking questions, stop seeking information, then we stop utilizing our freedom and independence and we inevitably give up our power to those who do have knowledge. And unfortunately, just because other’s have knowledge it doesn’t mean that they use it ethically or offer it honestly. Why would you put 100% of your faith in someone who has money to gain from you? In the vast ocean of doctors and patients each individual person becomes little more than numbers on a paper to the companies that make the decisions. I’m not saying that it’s an entirely corrupt system but there are unquestionably unnecessary procedures practiced on a very regular basis. It is no secret that money can make people do horrible, dark, ugly and cruel things so why would the healthcare system be exempt from that? Wanting to believe in something doesn’t make it reality and to continue to indulge in your own delusions of security when presented with the truth is the equivalent of closing your eyes and plugging your ears to deny the existence of a tornado because the weatherman said it would only be windy and you really just feel more comfortable taking his word for it, after all it is his job, right? It is irresponsible to accept the opinions of other people without searching for information yourself. You owe it to yourself and you sure as hell owe it to your kids to know more about what is being done to them just because it’s “standard”. Get off your ass and think for yourself!! If you start making waves, good. If people become angry or frustrated with you, good. Many people become angry and defensive when your actions threaten to pop the lovely little protective bubble of illusion they have surrounded themselves with. When you do what is right it reminds them that they might not be and it is absolutely amazing the ability that people can develop to cling desperately to a false sense of safety rather than “risk” seeing the actuality and having to face the possibility of change. Basically, “change is scary!” and you will find that most people are far more willing to defend their bad choices rather than acknowledge that they (even inadvertently) made a mistake that harmed their child or that they themselves were potentially harmed by their own parents bad decisions. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say my____ (mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, etc…) did ____ (fill in unhealthy or unnecessary practice) and they were just fine. That’s great, just because a way of doing things was sufficient it doesn’t mean that it can’t be done better. We are constantly learning new things and finding improved ways of doing old things. Do you want to sit stagnant just because it’s easier to shrug off change than it is to think for yourself? Me, I’d rather use any knowledge I can to change my life (and my children's lives) for the better and admit that I may have been wrong about my previous notions. But that’s just me.

Cloth diapers: Prefolds or fitteds and covers

One cloth diaper option is using either prefolds or fitteds with covers.

Prefolds are rectangular diapers that have more absorbency in the middle and less layers along the sides. (Flat diapers are one-layer diapers that don't have the thick middle.) With either one, you would use either diaper pins or a Snappi to fasten the diaper. There are several folds to use to get the best fit for your baby.
Fitted diapers are diapers that are cut and sewn into a shape that requires no folding, they resemble a diaper and some even have either velcro or snap closures. These types of diapers can be made out of several types of material. Hemp, Indian or Chinese cotton, or bamboo are some options. With the cotton, you can choose natural, bleached, dyed or even patterned. I don't, nor can I find many who do, recommend using the brand you can get from many grocery stores simply because they are not as absorbent or high quality as the others I have listed here.
No matter which you choose, unless you buy used, you'll have to do a number of pre-washes before use to strip the natural oils from the fabric and 'quilt' them up. The more you wash them, the more absorbent they become.
All three kinds would require a cover to make them waterproof.
Covers are generally waterproof or water resistant. PUL (Polyurethane Laminate) is fairly waterproof, but will wick or leak if the diaper gets too wet. Fleece is another option but will wick if compressed. Wool is wonderful because it's breathable, absorbent, and easy to care for.
These covers are either closed by velcro or snaps, and some can be pulled on, reminiscent of the old style plastic pants.

When choosing this type of diapering system, you will need less covers than you will need inner diapers (prefolds or fitteds) because you will be able to reuse the covers without washing as long as no feces get on them. The inner diaper will catch it most of the time, and while the cover may get wet with urine, you would simply set the just used cover aside to air dry, use a new cover in the meantime and swap them out as needed. How many you will need varies depending on the age of your baby and how often you wish to wash. For a newborn, washing every 24-36 hours I recommend at least 2 dozen inner diapers and 6 covers.

Why I chose cloth diapers

I used disposables with my older two children (now 6 and 4). Their bottoms would be hot and red, and sometimes broke out in serious rashes that I felt terrible about, convinced I was doing something wrong. I would change them more often, but that wouldn't help either.

When I was pregnant with X, I got 'crunchified'. I immersed myself in topics like breastfeeding, babywearing, natural birth options, and circumcision (or lack thereof). The one thing I was stumped on was cloth diapers.

I had seen a few posts concerning them but didn't really know what the big deal was. Until I saw posts about chemical burns and male infertility and testicular cancer associated with disposable diapers. The amount of chemicals that we're putting in, on and around our babies, it's no wonder that we're seeing more of things like this.

Still, I was lost when it came to CD'ing and what I would need to start. When I thought of cloth diapers, I thought of prefolds, pins and plastic pants. I did my research and found some options that would work for us. There's a lot of options for different lifestyles.

Baby Massage

Infant or Pediatric massage is “A special massage geared for a newborn baby through the first several years of his or her life.” (Mitchell). The history of infant massage dates back to ancient times although it is still fairly new to our American culture. There are many benefits to infant massage and almost no negatives to be found.

Until the surge of popularity of more natural childbirth techniques such as the use of midwives, infant massage was not much used in our Western culture. “Infant massage was introduced formally into the United States in 1978 when Vimala Schneider McClure, a yoga practitioner who served in an orphanage in Northern India, developed a training program for instructors at the request of childbirth educators.” (Spehar, 2001). Prior to that, infant massage has been popular for centuries in India and the Asian and Pacific Island cultures where the benefits of nurturing touch have long been recognized. It was often part of the daily ritual for baby to have a massage as a part of their bath time routine.

The benefits of infant massage are numerous in every way from emotional to physical. “…including helping to promote relaxation; improving sensory integration; helping aid deeper and longer sleep; encouraging mid-line orientation; assisting in bonding and attachment; helping improve state regulation; assisting in vocalization; stimulating the circulatory and GI systems; assisting in pain relief; and enhancing neurological development.” (Mathias, 2003). Infant massage has been proven to help develop deeper bonds between the caregiver and the infant as well as greatly increase development in babies that were born prematurely or who were exposed to drug abuse in the womb.

One study done on twenty preterm neonates found that utilizing infant massage practices for three, fifteen minute segments a day for ten days showed an average of a forty-seven percent increase in weight gain in the massaged babies over babies who were not exposed to these infant massage techniques. They also found that these babies were more active and alert than their un-massaged counterparts and that they developed motor skills faster. In addition to this the average hospital stay was roughly six days shorter which leads to a monetary savings for both the parents and the hospitals involved. (Field PhD, Schanberg MD, PhD, Scafidi MS, Bauer MD, Vega-Lahr MS, Garcia BS, Nystrom MD, & Kuhn PhD, 1986)

The benefits of infant massage do not stop at the babies involved. It has been found that the caregivers administering the massages can benefit greatly as well. The most obvious advantage is that a less fussy baby equals more relaxed parents. Practicing infant massage helps parents be more in tune with their babies needs and wants and makes it easier to determine what baby is asking for with less effort. Many parents notice an increase in confidence of their own abilities after becoming involved in infant massage and seeing the positive results that are direct responses to something that they have done with their own hands. Mothers suffering from postpartum depression can also greatly profit from providing infant massage due to the increased ease of bonding that is the automatic result of increased touch between mother and child. Massage also helps release oxytocin (also known as the cuddle hormone) which is another way to help amplify the bond between mother and baby. (Infant Massage USA, 2006)

While the superficial benefits of massage have long been known in our country, we are still finding more and more deeper ways that this ancient art can help in people’s lives. Infant massage is unquestionably advantageous with the only argument against it being that some babies may not like it. Our culture is drastically behind on some of these simple, obvious and wonderful practices that are second nature to those civilizations around us, little by little we are beginning to catch up. This art is growing everyday and, optimistically, soon it will be an automatic and integral part of raising a baby.

References:

Field PhD, T. M., Schanberg MD, PhD, S. M., Scafidi MS, F. S., Bauer MD, C. R., Vega-Lahr

MS, N., Garcia BS, R., Nystrom MD, J., & Kuhn PhD, C. M. (1986). Tactile/kinesthetic

stimulation effects on preterm neonates. Pediatrics, 77(5), Retrieved from

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/77/5/654

Infant Massage USA. (2006). Benefits of infant massage for parents. Retrieved from

http://www.infantmassageusa.org/learn-to-massage-your-baby/benefits-of-infant-massage/

Mathias, M. (2003, November). Infant massage - everyone benefits. Massage Today, 03(11),

Retrieved from http://www.massagetoday.com/archives/2003/11/05.html

Mitchell, M. (n.d.). Massage therapies. Retrieved from

http://thesehealinghands.net/definitionsofservices.html

Spehar, J. (2001). Infant Massage. Encyclopedia of alternative medicine. Retrieved from

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_g2603/is_0004/ai_2603000452/

Xavier's birth story, Part 2

On Friday, August 20, we had a cookout behind one of the apartment buildings, with my sister and a few neighbors. I had been having mild contractions all day but not very consistent. It was hot and I was cranky. My due date wasn't for another 15 days. The next night, I was putting a diaper on my daughter for bedtime. I was sitting on my son's bed and felt a 'pop'. I jumped up, told the kids I loved them and goodnight, and ran to the bathroom.
Sure enough, there was plenty of water coming. I called Rick. I told him my water broke. He asked me if I was serious. I remember wanting to slap him... We called the midwife and since my labor hadn't really gotten going yet, she told me to just get a good night's sleep and relax. I went downstairs, and knocked on the neighbor's door. I told him, "Just wanted to let you know, I'm in labor, my water just broke, so if you hear me, I'm sorry, but that's why." He looked at me like I had grown two heads and asked me why I hadn't left for the hospital. I laughed and told him that the hospital wasn't in the plans and we were going to have the baby in our bed.
I went into hyperspeed mode. Didn't so much relax as rush through making sure everything was in order. Put the plastic on the bed, do some dishes, sweep the floors and clean the bathroom once more.
The next day, Sunday, one of the midwives came out, listened to the baby, told me how happy and peaceful I looked for someone who was in labor, and timed a few contractions. By this time, I had told everyone that my water had broken, and was getting worried emails and phone calls about what they were going to do to hurry things along because I was 'on the clock'. No matter how much I tried explaining to everyone that since they weren't checking me and therefore introducing bacteria, my risk of infection was lower and we were monitoring for signs of that, too. We would not be 'doing anything' and that included going to the hospital.
I spent so much time walking that day that my feet hurt, but I was afraid to sit down and relax because I didn't want to chance slowing anything down. Contractions would come strong and close and then slow down. It never got to the point where it was too much to handle, I was staying very comfortable by moving around, taking walks outside, and eating small snacks.
Sunday came and went, with no progress to speak of. Monday and Tuesday came and went in much the same way. Contractions happened the whole time, but sometimes weren't less than 20 minutes apart, other times they were 3-5 minutes apart. The midwives came out several times, spent the night on Tuesday night. I was increasingly getting worried messages from everyone, family, friends, parents. Some of my family even posted a nasty post on his own Facebook page, basically amounting to the fact he thought I was irresponsible for not having a medical caregiver for my pregnancy and birth. He had not even asked how I was. Every time I got stressed out, my contractions would all but stop. I was wore out. I was mentally exhausted. I was tired of even being outside because anytime anyone even drove by, I had to deal with, "Where's the baby???". Wednesday afternoon was almost 4 days after my water had broken and over 5 days of contractions. The pain was not unbearable. I welcomed it. I visualized my uterus contracting and making my cervix open. I showered as I pleased and it helped.
I asked the midwife about accupressure. She phoned a friend and pressed on certain areas of my feet, ankles and hands. The contractions kicked in and she left, assuring me she was only a phone call away.
The entire time, I had been diligently monitoring my temperature. Shortly after she left, I started feeling weird and took it again. Normal. An hour later, I took it again. I stared at the thermometer in horror. I had a fever. It was over 100° and I felt like crap. This couldn't be happening. I started crying as Rick called the midwife. She advised us to go to the hospital because there was a good possibility that I had gotten an infection.
I cried. I called my sister, and she came over. She helped me pack while I cried some more. All of this. For nothing. I was scared and I was angry. I packed everything I thought I would need and met my midwife at a hospital in another county. It was the most baby and momma friendly hospital she had dealt with and we agreed it was where I wanted to go if we had time and needed a hospital transport.
We walked into the hospital and went to register. I braced myself for the worst. I signed every paper they wanted me to and carefully printed on each consent form, "Separate consent needed for c-section, no circumcision". To my surprise, she was wonderful about the fact that I had transported from a home birth. When I got up to the maternity department, everyone there was great with it, too! (In fact, many were in awe that I had lasted that long)
The OB/GYN (not MY OB/GYN) came in and discussed the options with me. She checked me. They started an IV with antibiotics and put me on a fetal monitor. I was dilated to a 3 (only a 3!?!) and every time I had a contraction it hurt so much worse because I was stuck on my back in an uncomfortable bed with straps tightly around my belly. I begged for them to take it off, let me walk around, let me get a shower. No go.
I had two options. Since my labor obviously wasn't going well on its own, they needed to speed it up with pitocin if I was going to stay there, since they don't like to do VBACs and pitocin is contraindicated for VBACs because it raises the risk of uterine rupture. So, I could either go to a VBAC friendly hospital over an hour away, or stay and have a repeat C-section. Even if I transferred, there was no guarantee I would be able to get my VBAC, anyhow. Hubby and I carefully weighed everything and talked to the OB/GYN. After discussion and a lot of crying, I decided on the repeat C-section. She told me that she would put me in but she had a few other surgeries to do first. It was the middle of the night on Wednesday night.
The contractions that hadn't bothered me at home now had me crying. They were very painful and I was powerless against them. I couldn't move and at this point it seemed like pure torture. The contractions weren't doing anything and I already knew it was going to end in surgery anyhow.
They came in to get me at about 3 am. I insisted that my husband be allowed in the OR the entire time. We had also talked to her about our wishes for skipping the Hep B shot and the antibiotic eye drops, and delaying the cord clamping as long as possible for a C-section. She was wonderful about it and assured me that we'd discuss it when we got to the OR and our wishes would be followed.
The worst thing of all was the anesthesiologist, he was very rude and pulled on my gown(which is a big no-no for a sexual assault survivor). I asked him several times before I blew up, while laying on the operating table and demanded that he treat me like a person. Things got much better from then on out. I didn't feel a thing as they cut my stomach open, and they were pulling out my baby boy before I knew it. I saw them lift him above the drape and started crying. They brought him over to the warmer and I sent Rick to be with him. Our son was born at 3:46 am on August 26, 2010 and weighed 8 lbs 2 oz.
Later, the OB came to see me in my room. She expressed that she believes that everything happens for a reason, and while she was doing the surgery she discovered I had what's known as a Bandl's Ring.

I've been asked if I'm at peace with the way my home-birth turned out. Ya know what? I am. I really am. I know that I tried my hardest and did everything in my power to have a VBAC at home. I spent over 4 days laboring for my bundle of joy and it proved to me that I will never need an epidural. If I can do that, I can do ANYTHING. I feel empowered. I feel strong.